Milestones…

Hiya!

Been a while…thought I’d take advantage of these gorgeous summer nights and chill in the garden with a G&T whilst Danny watches more bloody footie! Getting bit bored of it now…novelty has totally worn off..Teddy couldn’t care less either, which I’m glad about!

So I was on Facebook the other day, and the ‘memories’ thing popped up, I just cannot believe that my hen do was 6  years ago and my first operation after Teddy was born to remove the cancer was 4 years ago.  I find time quite hard to comprehend nowadays, I don’t know if that’s part of being a Mum too? To think, on my hen do, I had no idea the path my life was going to go down, who knew whilst I was twirling round that pole on my bright pink double decker bus I’d be a Mum and face everything that’s happened. I was a totally different person then I think, I feel now in a lot of ways I have changed for the better but I miss a certain aspect to my personality that I used to have. I was more carefree in a way, oblivious to certain things and I miss that. But I think you change with age, you change when things are thrown in your way to be dealt with and also when becoming a Mum. I call this blog ‘Milestones’ as I finally feel like I have reached one.

If you would have told me how my life would change in a matter of days/weeks/months , I would have never have believed you. Cos things like that don’t happen to normal folk like you and I does it? And that’s what I always used to think. From that moment I called the docs for them to confirm my pregnancy I made a conscious decision to change – to become less selfish for my baby, for my family I was now responsible for getting big and strong. Then being hit hard with the news that I had cancer and would have to terminate the pregnancy at 23 weeks to save my life…all attempts of being responsible and strong went out the window. Inside my head I was in denial…the only was I could describe the feeling was like I was being spun round and round and round on a roundabout not knowing when the hell to jump off. I was lost. We were lost as a family, just absolutely heartbroken, absolutely devastated …there are no words. But then we were given a glimmer of hope ( I won’t go into all the history again as you all know about it) I decided to make decisions, get strong again, fight, we decided to fight as a family. I had been given a choice and that hadn’t happened before. Now was the time to bring feisty Fee back..and she’s stayed to this day.

Back in the earlier days, I heard the word ‘Milestones’ a lot. My intial thought to everyone going on about them was ‘oh bore off!’ cos to be honest , I just didn’t feel myself , so to reach a goal or a turning point in my life seemed like an impossibility. I feel like now I can press on the brakes a bit..allow time for me again. I cannot believe my last scan was 6 months ago…my  last hosp appt was 3 months ago, I’m not doubled over in pain, I’m actually living my life. I’m not going through the motions, I’m actually enjoying my life. I’m a better person for it, I’m me again ( apart from that part of me that has long gone as mentioned before). 4 years ago, waking up from my first (unsuccessful) Whipples operation, I got told ‘There is nothing we can do, you can try chemo, you probably have maxiumum 5 years’ No. No fu***** way mate,  I’m taking my Teddy to his first day at school, I got memories to  make, I got Grandchildren to meet, I got a life to live. And that’s exactly what I’m doing. It’s been quite the challenge getting there..but I’m at the first big milestone, I’m happy. I’m not 100%, but I’ve gained over half a stone since my huge surgery in Germany. That is how much of a struggle it has been…it’s taken me 2 years to gain that weight..that gives you some idea how hard it is. But it’s happenning!

As you have probably seen , I have started my own Instagram page ‘Fees friendly fats’. It’s for people who really struggle with digestion and gaining weight and breaking down fat. I’m so so bored of people and society only concentrating on losing weight. I understand that the majority of the population would prefer to lose weight, but there is a small percentage who desperately need to gain and struggle with doing so. So i have decided to start my Instagram page up and help others. It’s full of easy digestible foods, low fat and tasty! I actually got a message from someone who follows my page saying how helpful its been for  her boyfriend who has been diagnosed with the same cancer I had. That meant so so much to me that I have helped somebody out

So..Teddy’s at the age now when he loves playing with others….loves his friends, he’s at a such a brilliant age where we can enjoy days out, he has genuine interests, and has that independence (But obvs still wants his Mumma!).But I suppose I have that natural feeling of wanting another, a sibling for the boy to play with, to not feel so  lonely (not that he ever is!). We have a brilliant family and friends circle, he stays at Mum and Dads every other weekend near enough, he loves his Aunties and Uncles and is the most charming and cute ( cheeky)very chatty little boy! He is content..why wouldn’t he be, he’s got the life of bloody riley surrounded by all this love, too right too! But this creeping feeling of guilt consumes me sometimes…will I ever be able to give him a sibling, is it selfish if I don’t? I think about this everyday..it’s a horrible nagging feeling. I’m so so envious of others who don’t have to weigh up the pros and cons because of their health when deciding on expanding their family. I am physically not fit enough right now to have another child..who knows if I ever will be..I am not getting any younger…but I spose I am getting stronger. I am content right now, I love giving all my attention and love to my Ted, he is a very good boy, was always a good baby too. Right now I am happy with my boy, I love how he’s my little partner in crime, my little dude. I’m just not sure if it’s worth risking another pregnancy when we are so lucky to have our Teddy…I mean if it ain’t broke..? The cancer could return, I could become seriously ill…my pregnancy would be extremely high risk. It’s one to think about..I suppose that’s one milestone I’ve not quite reached yet…all in good time 🙂

So I’m going to end it there for now..getting a bit nippy out here and I think Danny has fallen asleep watching the footie (see I told you novelty has worn off!). I have lots more to chat about, my meds that I’m still experimenting with and finding my feet with, still   adjusting to the new way of life. But it is life and it’s all mine and I try and make the most of it. Yes I have shit days, I feel tired but not so many days like that anymore. That shelf I was sitting on …looking down from…I’m now looking straight ahead…even daring to look up every now and again. Watch out for the next Milestone…

Weather has been gorge, as you all know I love me a bit of sunshine and have Mums olivey skin tone so love to soak it up (spf 30 obvs!!). It’s amazing how a bit of sunshine can change your mood isn’t it?

Anyways, that’s me for now, enjoy your white bits 😉

Lotsa Love, Fee xxx

 

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Getting Social… #Fee’s Friendly Fats!

Hi guys!

I’ve been a bit quiet for a while…really been taking it easy and adjusting to new changes and challenges

So, as my iron was so low and I was flagging bad, the hospital decided to give me an iron/blood transfusion.  Well, I feel like a new woman!  Worked wonders I tell ya! Not a nice experience though…brought it all back having my chemo etc..horrible memories. But this was extreme circumstances and an urgent procedure that needed to happen or I would have ended up being hospitalized.  So I was all day hooked up pumped full of the goodness..the next day I felt a bit wonky?! That’s the only way I can describe it, But after that I started to get a bit more strength 💪🏼

My amazing dietician came to see me the same day, and we came to a decision that this ‘eating what you want, eating all the fatty foods’ etc to gain weight is not working.  It has caused endless pain and cramping etc for nearly 2 years. So I’ve now started on a low fat, high carb/high protein diet. It sounds odd, trying to gain weight but yet I’m on a ‘low fat diet’…but I just cannot process the fat. I only have a third of a stomach now and all my digestive system has been re routed and taken out, put back in again! Hence why I have to take enzymes with everything I consume, even down to a cuppa coffee. So I have to be kind to my stomach…it’s been through a lot!

So I’ve switched up the diet plan, choosing to have low fat options e.g. Low fat spread,  semi skimmed milk, lighter crisps  (Quavers/French fries instead of Monster munch!) I’m having a lot of eggs as they’re great protein, having fish everyday  (e.g. Tuna nicoise salad) chicken  (chicken curry, stir fry etc) pork, I’m not limited really, just need to adjust it slightly.  And I must graze! So my portion sizes are smaller but I’ll be snacking every 1 1/2 to 2 hours …things like pitta and houmous, toast, quorn sausages, sweet potatoes.  I’m really really enjoying my new diet and I absolutly love cooking (and quite good at it if I do say so myself!). I add my extra oils and powders to everything, I’m trying so hard. My body processes food now very differently to your normal average body. It works so so bloody hard and it takes it out of me sometimes but I just have to listen to my body. Fat isn’t helping me gain weight, the protein and carbs are.

And the proof is in the pudding, after 4 weeks of doing this I’ve gained half a stone! Heaviest I’ve been in over a year and a half.  I nearly fell of the scales and fainted! So did my dietician!!!

So I’ve decided to put my new diet out there..help others who have had major surgery, gastric surgery, pancreatic surgery, even people who suffer with Crohns and IBS, I am hoping to help with these tips and ideas that I have picked up to help gain weight.

Just because my insides have been turned upside down (it seems!) My life doesn’t have to be. Yes I have to be more organised and I can’t eat out in a lot of places  (no more Maccy ds..Greggs…chinese 😭) but there are always options and alternatives.

I’ve started up an Instagram page..#feesfriendlyfatfoods  Trying to get the word out to help my fellow digestively challenged folk!

Here’s to gaining more 🥂 and enjoying food again

Love Fee xxxx

Keep them open and this shut!!

Hiya!

It seems like ages ago that I’ve rabbited on to everyone on here..I’ve got a spare hour or so, thought I’d give it a go!

I’m starting to feel and look (I hope) better…my energy is still dipping at some points…to the point where I feel like I’m going to faint..but that’s because they’ve found out I’m severely anaemic. I take iron tablets but sometimes they just aren’t enough so tomorrow (Weds) I have to go in for a transfusion. To be honest they have said this to me about a year ago but I really didn’t want it done, siting there all hooked up reminds me of chemo, and that’s just something I don’t need reminding of. But I know it’s for the  best, not sure how they are going to do it, if it’s blood or pure iron. Either way I’m wired up to the machines for at least 6 hour…I’ve stocked up on the shit magazines (I ain’t actually got a clue who half these birds are in them , give me a home interior or food mag anyday 😉  ), downloaded some shows etc to keep me busy. Hopefully it’ll  go quickly. And hopefully this will give me a huge bloody boost in the energy side of things, one minute I can be racing around and next I’ve dipped so low I’ve had to call for help. Part of me worries that diabetes will set in soon, I don’t have much of a pancreas left which is where insulin is made, but I do have the part needed for that but I think it’s going to take it’s toll over time…just something I need to be aware of! Another one to add to list!! I have the starting of Oesteoparosis too, my bones have weakened , so am on special meds for that too, I’m rattiling!

I don’t have another scan booked in yet..which is great! Probably in the Summer I will. Previously they found a tumour in my Pituitary gland in brain, but it is benign and can be common. They’ve described it as an ‘incidental find’, basically as technology is coming along and becoming more advanced, they are finding more and more things in our body. Scary really! So they are keeping an eye on that too

I am taking it easy, am resting on days when Teddy is at nursery all day. I’ve gained weight and I think just chilling is helping. I am still working, once or twice a week, and I need this to mentally keep me sane! I love my job and don’t ever want to stop working as it gives me a boost, I may not be academically clever but I have the creative gene! Love to paint a face and work with hair, also just making people feel better about how they feel/look!

My skin has got a mind of it’s bloody own, it has decided to think its 15 again and have broken out! Not sure if it’s the meds/ diet / stress..probably a combo of them all. And I can tell people have noticed, but what can I do? I’m trying to control it but I got bigger fish to fry..thank God for Make up!!

I’m still experimenting with my diet…Danny has been great, researching different oils etc that I can add to  meals to increase calorie intake and also can tolerate a lot more. I’m all  a bit all over the place inside so anything like this can help. The Pro cal shakes etc do not work on me…but these oils and powders I can tolerate…so far!

Teddy’s thriving at nursery, he’s loving every minute, love the stories he comes home with ( be it true or made up!!), I love the innocence he still has too. There’s been a lot of questions being asked..especially about certain body parts!!! Bloody cracks me up…I never want to shield him from things, I try and be as honest as I can, but for a few more years I wanna keep the innocence going…failing that, I just say ‘Ask you Dad!!’

We had a lovely Mothers Day, Danny did ask what I wanted to do..or where to go, but to be honest I just wanted to be with my boys. I don’t want fancy jewellery or  a top notch meal in a restaurant. So you know what we did? Laid in bed with our brekkie and played all day and went to Wetherspoons in the eve! You cannot beat a panini and a pint under a fiver! Even when it snowed and we were stuck in, we made the most of it! Sick of people friggin moaning, just enjoy spending time together. Who cares if you missed out on a days pay and you only got bread and eggs and some old shit from the freezer ( words from my Mum!!) embrace it! Cos the next week you’ll  be moaning back at work surrounded by your miserable work colleagues wishing you were back in the snow eating eggy bread and chicken nuggets!

So you’re probably wandering what the hell the title of this blog is all about…I’m just getting a bit pissed off with judgy , opinionated people! I’ve come to notice these last coupla years that there are SO many judgemental people out there. If you saw quite a large overweight woman, would you comment and describe that person as ‘fat and huge?’ Of course you wouldn’t!! So what right do people have to say I’m anorexic looking or extremely skinny? It angers me and upsets me so much. There are so many thoughtless people out there who open their mouths before knowing the facts. I’ve learnt to be pretty resilient, and I am strong to an extent but I’m not exactly overjoyed at myself when I look in the mirror! I am a new version of me, but I am gaining the weight and that’s the most important thing. So two fingers up to them ignorant people! And to be honest, does Teddy notice? Does he make opinions on how I look…no. He just wants his Mummy there and that actually means more to me than my image..

Still getting questions about further children…to be honest this moment in time I am One and Done lol. That isn’t ruling anything out in the future, but I am enjoying Teddy too much and all my energy goes on him and I love it. I never really understand when people say have them all closer together ‘To get it out the way with’. I always think that’s such an insult to the children!! Like it’s an inconvieneice! I’m embracing every moment at the mo and giving Teddy everything I can. Physically it wouldn’t be the right decisison to carry another child yet, if it ain’t broke ay? I always think me Danny and Tedstar are the three musketeers…strong as…

I would just like to say a huge thank you to my bro Dave for running the London Marathon for Pancreatic Cancer UK. I am so touched he is doing this, as I have mentioned before, PC UK do not get a lot of funding…it’s seen as in a lot of the medical professions eyes when it’s found..’Too little too late’. This attitude has to stop. Dave is training his arse off…I’m so proud of him. Raising the cash for this charity really can improve peoples quality of life as it can fund so much research. I know in this day and age we feel like we are constantly bombarded with people asking for money  for charity.  But please just look at Dave’s link and into Pancreatic Cancer UK. This is happening to people we know, I lost a dear friend to it, she wasn’t even 45 and had 2 children under 25. I had a rare form of cancer in my Pancreas..who knows, if more money was invested into this charity, we wouldn’t have had to travel to Germany and spend the best part of £70,000 to save my life. It’s worth a look at xx

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/david-mcgrath14

Anyways…my hours up..I’ve done my venting lol!! Off to the chemist to get the suitcase full of meds…off to raid the fridge…off to read my shit mags!!

Lots of Love,

Fee xxxx

 

 

 

 

Winter warmers ⛄

Hiya!
Hope everyone is all good…I’m bloody freezing! Esp as I haven’t got as much timber on me as I used to I’m feeling it so much more. Poor danny is walking around sweating in this house cos I have heating on full blast!
So I’ve been busier at work and really enjoying it…still not going crazy but slowly getting back to it. I’m tired as they’re long 12 hour days but I think anyone would be! It makes me happy and feel like me again
being at work…life goes on, time doesn’t stop because of something someone has gone through/going through, so you just have to ride it out and be thankful you can

I’ve had quite a month or so in regards to hosp appointments etc, at one point I was up there 2/3 times a week and having 3 scans a day! Think I need my own parking space there!
So my weight hasn’t increased huge amount, I haven’t lost but I am gaining slowly or staying stable.  I am such an active person and anyone who knows me will know I’m rubbish at resting and sitting around doing sod all. But I’ve gained more muscle  ( for people who have witnessed the muscle pre-op, you wait til you see it now, Popeye eat your heart out babes!)
I have had various scans on abdomen, pancreas, my brain! ( yes yes, Dads already cracked that joke..they found a brain in there..ha bloody ha!) They were concerned regarding my thyroids…somethings not adding up. Basically a signal gets released from your Pituroity gland in your brain into the thyroids that are in your neck, they’re all to do with growth, hormones, weight etc. So my signal seemed to be at a red light somewhere!
I have also seem different consultants now in a different department, which means more appointments , but hey if they’re going to sort me out, I’m all theirs!
I had my results back from the scan I hate, my C.T scan on my pancreas…all was good! I know i always say it but it never gets easier.  The doubt never leaves you and the possibilities and outcomes of the scan going round in your head whilst you’re sitting in thst waiting room is awful. The conversations i would have to have…its draining
 But it’s all good cos it was a good scan! They are pleased with my bloods too, but I am lacking quite a lot in calcium and Vit D…so basically I need a fortnight away to Barbados Danny darling to get that Vit D…docs orders! I’m on more meds for that now so hoping that will up it
They are concerned about my bones and the strong chance I may get Oesteoparosis. It’s all down to the fat and muscle not being there as much to protect bones too. I was scanned for that so they are keeping an eye on it too
Bloody hell, the last scan I had for my pancreas left me so battered and bruised I could hardly move my arms! I have a dye injected into me and they struggled getting the needle in…5 attempts and 3 nurses it took! I swear they run a mile when they see me booked in, patient from hell!

So I had the scan on my brain, it looks like there is a bit of a problem…hopefully that can be rectified by meds.  The consultant has seen a tumour, a benign tumour on the pituroity gland which could be blocking the signal for rest of my body to gain weight.  When I heard him say tumour everything just went quiet and I thought i was going to faint. I just thought  ‘I cant do it again. But he’s said it’s deffo benign and hopefully can be helped with medicine.  They are performing another scan on the brain to have a look at it from different angles.. and guess when that scan is…day after Boxing day! Merry Christmas ay! Ah well, best to get it all done and the ball rolling

I’ve had a coupla lovely breaks away to see my fam in Glasgow and away to Manchester with one of my best mates.  Both were well and truly needed…just a bit of escapism for me, as selfish as that sounds. But i did miss my boys!
Teddy is at school nursery Now, absolutely loving it, I’m so proud of him. We’ve been doing some nice Christmas bits and getting festive leading upto Crimbo…i bloody love it! And I don’t care when people say I’m starting too early, I’m embracing it, every single bloody minute

My bro Dave is running the London marathon! I’m so touched and proud of him, he’s doing it for Pancreatic cancer. And even though I didn’t have a ‘traditional PC ‘ it’s still classed as a similar type and also I know they don’t get hardly any funding from Cancer Research.  My dear friend Ruth passed away this year from it and she wanted people to know the symptoms,   get the right treatment and help you can. More research and funding needs to go to this awful, heartbreaking type of cancer, as a lot of people think when you’re diagnosed, that’s it. It’s NOT. more research and studies are proving there are ways to pro long life and quality of life and different meds etc.  But the funding is just not there and it angers me. So my brother running for PC is just amazing and he needs to teach the £2K mark. I will put out a link to his Just Giving page when I can

So all in all, I’m feeling a lot better, I say every month another 5-10% better. I have days where I am so elated and happy that I’m feeling well and can be Fee and a normal mummy. I also have days where i have crippling pain and discomfort and the lethargic feeling is something else. Everyday i have pain but I’ve learnt to deal with it. Some people still forget that I’m not the same person really that I was 2 years ago. Physically and mentally I spose. But I’ve changed for the better  ( mentally, not bloody physically I still look vile) as I now have a different outlook on everything. I’ve also learnt to listen to my body and accept help when offered. I’ve learnt who gets it, who is really there for me and who I can lean on. And I know it’s okay to be selfish! Teddy will always be my number 1 priority but if I don’t take care of me every now and again, I’m bloody useless!
So thanks for all your loveky messages as always  , my gorgeous hubby and Teddybear , my amazing family and my gorgeous friends x you’re the ones I focus on when I’m feeling crap and ill…and it gets me through!
I’m off to start the Christmas wrapping, where the bloody hell do I start?! Next year everyone’s just getting a voucher ! 😂😂
Lotsa love
Fee xxxxx

Accept & Adjust

Hiya,

I keep going to write…then decide it’ll take up too much energy so put my phone down again! After running around all day playing fairies, Paw Patrol, dinosaurs…the last thing I feel I can do is write another entry…i collapse on the setee!

So I’ve been enjoying my summer off..spending it with my boys..having picnics, going to the park, messing about in the garden. It’s slowly coming to an end, but I feel like I’ve spent some proper quality time with Teddy&Danny.  Made lovely memories too which is what I want Teddys childhood to be all about. Today was his last day at Pre school nursery, He starts nursery at school next week. I will be beside myself crying (and danny!) But I will be beaming with pride! My little tiny prem baby, just bigger than a remote control, is starting school. He’s going to be fine, I’m not worried about him. He’s kind, chatty, funny…so cheeky, he’ll charm all the teachers!

I’ve been doing better, slowly gaining weight, getting energy back. I wanna make sure I’m still not overdoing it cos it seems for every step I take forward, I tumble 3 back.  But there’s no comparison to this time last year and how I felt. I’m like a different person…in a good way! Slowly getting back to me…actually some may disagree…its prob been quite peaceful without my gob running about lol!

Had a few issues with my meds…they’ve bloody run out at the factory! And no one told me…fuming ain’t even the word! After a few very stressful  days finally my lovely dietician got hold of them  ( Well an alternative) for me. It got me so upset for two reasons…1, I can’t function without these particular medicines- they hold on to all my vitamins and nutrients and keep me strong and 2, it got me upset cos I actually hate the thought of my body relying on a medicine so much and it’s unable to do this by itself. I could kick myself at how much I used to take my body for granted and how ignorant to how hard it worked.  I know it’s working double as hard  trying to get stronger..but part of me always thinks…years ago if I would have done something different or ate better etc would it have put me in better stead for now? I’ll never know I spose.

So now Teddys starting at nursery, I’m getting the dreaded question..’ when you gunna have your next one…cos you know now’s the perfect age gap etc’ Well the answer unfortunately is not yet.  It’s something I think about on a daily basis…it’s something that plays in my mind and it’s something that gets me in the pit of my stomach. I am not well enough or strong enough yet to think about having another child, my body probably will not allow me to carry yet. Also a lot of people didn’t know that because of the cancer and my chemotherapy treatment I had to undergo IVF to save our embryos. So i would have to go through rounds of IVF which is quite mentally and physically exhausting. Not just for me but for Danny too. Because my tumour was a Neuroendocrine tumour (Neuroendocrine is part of your hormone system) I always ask nyself the question ‘Would I risk falling pregnant again and possibly the cancer returning?’ The fear this brings to me is overwhelming.  I just don’t know if I could do it..if I could put the people I love through it all again.  I have a beautiful son… I am truly blessed to have him and it maybe selfish of me to even contemplate having another. My heart breaks at the prospect of my Teddy not having a brother or sister and I feel honestly like an absolute failure not being able to provide not only him but Danny with more of a family. But I’ve chosen to write about it as I have bottled it up for so long. People are unaware that I may not be able to have more and presume things and life are back to how they were and unfortunately that isn’t the case. There are different avenues we can look at, but for now I am focusing and concentrating on trying to be the best mummy I can be to Teddy. I wouldn’t have energy for another now anyways I don’t think…i’d like Teddy to be old enough to change the nappies haha! Plus I’m bloody wrinkled and grey enough as it is…add a newborn into the mix and I’m a write off! But again the guilt eats away at me, for Danny to not get his dream of a big family..the dream that we both had years ago. It’s amazing how dreams can be dashed and taken away like that. But on the other hand we are so unbelievably lucky to have the baby we fought so hard for so I always have to remind myself of that. So before more people ask..I wanted to write about it, to make friends family etc more aware info the situation and how I feel

So I’m working more and I’ve worked on a couple of other shows too…makes me remember why I love my job. It’s the only thing I’ve ever been good at…looking back I was never academic at school..I just wanted to do peoples hair make up etc! Having time away from it has made me appreciate it more too and care for my job more…I think I’m just grateful that I’m here to actually work and do what I love.

I had my birthday party a coupla months ago…was the best night!! So much fun.. .surrounded by the people I love. I was totally overwhelmed by everyone there ..the presents I received too! Love you all so much xx had such a laugh…and then I surprised Danny with a holiday away! He was totally surprised…didn’t expect it at all. It was so nice to go away…it was to a place we went years ago..before everything ..a carefree holiday.  I felt so well being in the sun and relaxing..Teddy was at Mum and Dads so I knew he’d be being spoilt rotton!

And I gained weight! I think not having to go to hospital and the stress of not having scans etc has paid off and just generally feeling better has helped.  Hoping it continues cos I am starting to accept the way I look…but damn I miss my arse and curves!  When I was on holiday I actually felt confident.. .I was very nervous about being around the pool..looking like I do but when I was there, I realised I didn’t pay all this bloody money to worry about others opinions! I even went out onto the beach etc…but bloody hell it’s like people had never seen a scar before! It did start to piss me off…People proper stare and really don’t care. But so what…least I was a talking point over their paella!

So I will continue to take things slow..but am easing myself back into everyday life and trying to get back to normality. There’s days where I still am very low on energy but I’ve learnt to adjust to different things accordingly, and rest when I need to

Anyways…I’ve bored you all enough! Here’s to more kilograms and more energy 🍻

Love Fee xxxx

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Wanting a chilled out Summer!!

So not too sure where to start really…my minds been buzzing and whirling with ideas of what to write for this next blog. Truth is…it’s all been a bit of a bittersweet few months.

Where to start?
I decided to go back to work…inject some normality back into my life. I did my first block back..which are 2 consecutive weeks, filming 4 episodes. I have worked days and photo shoots and hairdressing since maybe september, but this was my first full run of being back full time. And I hate hate hate to admit it, but Danny, my best friends and my Mum was right…it was all a bit too much…too soon.
I absolutely love my job and I know not many people can say that. Not only do I love the actual creative aspect of it, I love the people I work with. Cast and crew. We all come from different backgrounds, have different views on things, have amazing stories to tell. I have spent the majority of my adult life at Eastenders, even though I work on other shows, this is primarily my main job. I have made life long friends that have seen me go from girl to women, we have gone through break ups, weddings, babies and hard times together. And this is the pull that brings me back. I hate the thought of letting anyone down, hate it. But doing that first block back knocked me for six..and I felt I couldn’t give 100% and I think with my work it’s pretty much much all or nothing..especially with the long hours we work. I was very lucky enough to be working with my good friends Lynne and Hanna, who let me take it easy and really looked after me, they’re amazing. But I think the constant getting up at 5.30am..even though Im Up that time most days (more on that in a sec!) and the just ‘being on it’ all day was a bit of a struggle! It also physically has an impact on me, I get a very sore tummy, dizziness, lethargic and this is my bodies way of saying ‘Calm the bloody hell down girl!’
So yes Mum, Danny, Lis, Jojo and Sarah…you may have had a point..maybe it was a bit too much! But I’m a stubborn cow and sometimes I think I need to actually do it, to prove it to myself. And..errrr… on this occasion, I was wrong!!! So I’m going to continue to work days sporadically (docs orders,.,said I need to slow down)
We’re going to take the summer off..me and Danny. We well and truely lost out on last summer..Teddy was with mum and dad whilst I was in Germany so I know he had a great time. But as a family I think we need to spend some quality time together. Also, Teddy is starting at nursery in September (how the bloody hell has that happened?!) so we want to enjoy each other! I need to rest too, gain some weight!! Yeh, jobs on the house will have to go on hold…I may have to curb the spending on ASOS (how?!! I MUST delete the app off my phone!!) cos I think just being with my boys is more fun than any of that materialistic shite.
We want to take little trips around England…show Teddy the gorgeous beaches,,,just have a general fun summertime! And it’s his 3rd birthday…I mean, I cannot digest the fact that myself and Dannyboy have a 3 year old. I said to Danny the other day ..can you believe we’re parents..solely responsible for this gorgeous boy. I remember when me and Danny first met and the only responsibility we had was getting the booze in for our house parties at the weekend! Couldn’t think of anything worse now ( hangover + toddler = hell)
He’s been a tad unsettled recently ( teddy…not Danny lol) I think it could be down to the fact I’ve been working so I’ve not been there…he’s been at nursery…to my mums..back at home. I think his routine has gone out the window..but hopefully this summer we’ll get that sorted.
I think I was exhausted at work because teddy has reverted back into being a new born again lol! As in he keeps waking up at midnight, 2am, 4am… Shouting ‘mummy Martin!’ Or ‘ daddy martin’ at his stair gate! What’s all that about?! It doesn’t combine well with cramps in my tummy that I’m getting through the the night..crippling pain..where I think it’s just everything digesting through the night. It gets unbearable to the point where I just stay awake. So sleep hasn’t been my best mate at the mo! Danny’s been great though(as always) and gets up most the time with Teddy… Lays with him in his bed until he goes down again. You think you’ve got it cracked this parent business..then a bloody spanner is thrown in the works!! But he’s a proper little dude our Ted, picking up on EVERYTHING we say…we have to talk in code half the time!

I’m aware it’s been mental health month recently…and to be quite honest 4/5 years ago my attitude would have been very different to what it is now. I probably used to think ‘oh pull yourself together’ being very obnoxious and ignorant to the fact that mental health is so serious and probably has or will impact us in our lives at some point. I’m not ashamed to admit that I have had to go and see someone regarding everything that’s happened..whereas before I was very weary of letting people know. To be honest, it’s no ones business, but I think it’s important to share, so others in similar situations know there’s nothing wrong with it! We all know I can talk for bloody England, and I don’t bottle how I feel up. But to those closest to me, I don’t wanna feel like a burden on them and moan/ complain or weigh then down with my shit. Everyone has their own shit going on..,they don’t wanna hear mine too! As I’ve probably previously mentioned, I have suffered with terrible flashbacks of being back in Germany. I think as I now have come upto a year of the operations happening, it’s all sinking in a bit more. I sometimes wake up at night, thinking I’m still in intensive care, literally a prisoner in my bed pinned down by about 10 wires all connected to machines. I know you’re probably thinking that’s an over reaction, it’s really not. That’s a mild flashback, there are worse that I won’t go into detail about. Either way, they’re pretty horrible and know the only way I can properly get through them is to talk about them and deal with them in the right way. That’s why I’ve started to see and speak to someone at the hospital. They deal with people who have had or have cancer and are non biased, and neutral on their way of thinking. I think to be honest with you the last few years have really messed with my head… And it’s only now I can accept that. Not a lot of people know how to approach the subject with me and even when I was first diagnosed, a lot of people distanced themselves. At the time I was really pissed off, they’re the people I need (as well as my family, who were always there) but I’ve come to realise that it’s not their fault and to let the anger go. It was distressing and traumatic for them too, it wasn’t just me going through it. I’m a very different person to who I was 4 years ago, but I think if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be human! I view things a lot differently now, part of my counselling sessions consist of Cognotive behaviour therapy. This is a great coping mechanism, and a good friend of mine worked as a therapist amongst many other amazing positions in the mental health sector
My lovely friend Ruth, who was my roommate in Germany, who went through the shittiest of times together, we laughed to deal with the ridiculousness of what was happening to us, we wound up our nurses with our constant demands..albeit funny requests..they laughed! My beautiful friend Ruth sadly passed away last month and I still cannot believe she has gone. I am beyond gutted she is no longer here, in a selfish way, maybe, as she is the ONLY person to ever understand how I feel/felt. Ruth and I knew each other just short of a year, but yet I feel like I’ve known her a decade. We shared something so hard, so traumatic, but always tried to find the funny side. For example..Ruth, I felt was always 2 steps ahead of me in recovery, her and her gorgeous family would be up walking the grounds of the hospital, she was allowed out on ‘day release’ (told you it was like prison!) and I’d be laid up in bed, watching crap on my phone or sleeping. And Ruth always managed to eat well, always got a decent dinner. Curry/ risotto..fish. You know what they served me one day..underneath my silver serving dish…a radish! A bloody radish! We were in absolute stitches..to the point we were worried about our actual stitches bursting open!! We had a scary nurse called LaToya…she frightened us! Half American/half German, you didn’t wanna cross her. But we did…on quite a few occasions, I think it entertained us! But she made me cry one day, I can’t even remember why, but the following day she brought myself and Ruth crisps to apologise. And from that day on used to come in and have little chats with us. We still didn’t wanna cross her though! We got discharged on the same day, it was a huge high for us. We got to know each other’s families, who I now class as friends. We met up a couple times since, and the last time was in soho , i went for a lovely meal with Ruth and her beautiful daughter Emilie. I’m so pleased we did. I, so pleased I knew Ruth…she really did teach me ways of coping…even a week before she passed, was still explaining ways. Myself and Danny paid our respects to Ruth at her funeral, a real celebration of her life. And my God did she live it to the fullest. I feel like part of my recovery/ new life has been snatched away. We were supposed to go through this together. But, I know she’s there, as silly as some of you may think that sounds , she has given me the strength and determination to crack on, I owe it to her xxx
We’ve just got back off holiday…2 weeks in Portugal, just me and my boys. It’s bliss, just getting away from everything! I’d had a scan, I hadn’t had one for near enough 6 months so was really anxious and feeling so scared about it. I think deep down I know (and always hope) that there is nothing there. But sitting in that waiting room …for an extra 2 hours than my original appointment was booked….omg I was terrified. All these horrible thoughts going through my head…plus the scan itself was a bit of a palarva too! I had to stop scan mid way as my body went into spasm and cramped all over, eyes rolled back, head flopped to side, what the hell was happening! Turns out the cannula they’d put in my arm to insert the dye into my body, had all twisted and kinked in my arm, therefore had hit a nerve, hence my body reacting like that! Bloody hell!
But scan showed as stable and clear, no reoccurrence. And then I could breathe. Until I get a phonecall off the hospital whilst on holiday (great timing) wanting to do another scan, an MRI …there’s something that’s puzzling them that’s by my liver. She said not to worry too much , or get anxious ( yeh alright! Easy for them to say!) but they’re not too sure and could be scar tissue from extensive surgery, they’d just like to clarify with another scan. So I’m currently waiting on that to come through. I just wanna relax and not worry!!! I don’t think I’ve ‘not worried’ since March 2014 which is when I got diagnosed. I feel things will be ok, I just need them to tell me that
I gained a kg on holiday…doesn’t sound a great deal, but slowly it’s happening! I’m so determined. So if you see me and I’m sitting down, or you think ‘ooh she’s a lazy cow’ …I’m just trying not to burn calories off!

Anyways…I’ve got some party planning to do for my 30th (ahem, plus 1 year) …can’t wait to spend the evening with all my gorgeous friends and family that have really been there for me…get your glad rags on girls and guys!!

Thanks again for your support…positive thoughts for yet another scan…fingers crossed x

Lotsa love

Fee xxxxx

Spring in my step!

Hi everyone!

I’m back..I went for a bit..felt I didn’t have much to say..I probably still haven’t , but you know me, could actually talk the hind legs off a donkey! ( such an odd saying?)

So I’m still a skinny cow. An ugly gross skeleton that stares back at me in the mirror. That’s the horrible state of mind I’m in at the mo. I know it sounds shallow…appereance isn’t everything, but when you see it staring back at you everyday, it’s not pleasent. I’m a lot more energetic now and that is probably why I’m not gaining the weight. I’m always out and about with Teddy, running around after him etc. I love doing this though, it makes me feel like me and the Mum I should be to him, but I know it’s not really doing me any favours. Just to see him having fun, means the world to me. But he’s currently at nursery and I am taking full advantage of this and am laying on setee!

I know I probably shouldn’t have opened with that first paragraph being so negative..I felt like I just had to get it out! It’s like when I see someone I haven’t in months or years, or even someone new I meet, I feel I have to explain to them why I look like I do, why I have to take tablets with everything I eat, because I do catch people looking! But on a more positive note, I do feel better with energy. I’ve been able to work and go out etc. But I do need to rest afterwards. I forget…I think when I’m at work I’m indestructable and like I was before. But if I carry too many of my bags etc , I suffer the next day. I’m learning to pace myself

I feel a bit odd at the mo though. I spoke to my nurse about this. I get flashbacks from Germany, certain smells, colours, voices. Also near enough exactly 3 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. So I’d gone from being on top of the world pregnant with my little baby, imagining my brand new family life, in my beautiful home with my lovely husband, to someone popping that blissful balloon and shattering all these dreams. So I think some of those emotions are coming back to haunt me..I get those time hop photos coming up on my phone and Facebook and it reminds me..maybe I should just delete them!! Nurse said this was always going to happen and now my mind has had time to come to terms with everything and now is the time to face it. So many traumtic events have occured in my life over 3 years that now I don’t have numerous hosp appointments, chemo, operations to focus on, now’s the time to come to terms with everything. It’s Post traumatic stress, which I only ever assumed happened to soldiers at war or someone who’d had a terrible car accident etc. But I spose it makes sense really.

I think also its hard for Danny to see his wife this way..I know he’s seen me probably at my worst in hospital but I think it’s stressing him a bit that I’m maybe not recovering as fast as I should be. It’s very frustating for all of us! I just need to gain weight. If I could be a size 12..I would be the happiest person ever! Shallow but true.  I’m in this body that I don’t know, it’s not mine. I’m in skin that I need to shed.

But my medications has been upped and is being reviewed on a monthly basis, the Royal Free Hospital are brilliant. Me and Danny can’t help but think that if I was referred there 3 years ago..even last summer when I got back from Germany I would be in a better health state now!!

A lot of great things have happened though over the last few weeks though.. 2 of my best friends have had a baby, which has just made me so happy and so proud of them all. Such exciting times and Teddy loves her and I know that she will become part of our family as Ted is part of theirs x Another good friend got engaged…which has also lifted my spirits…I love a wedding! And they’re a beatiuful couple and I couldn’t be more happy for them

We’ve booked to go away on Holiday…I am doing a longer run at Eastenders end of April..my first block of work since everything, really looking forward to it and focusing on it as I love my job. So we’ve booked a holiday for after that…just the three of us can’t wait! Have also booked my 30th party…alrite alrite I know it’s not my 30th but I couldn’t celebrate it last year, poor Danny had booked it as a surprise, invited all my friends and me being the selfish cow I am, was laid up in hospital!! So I can’t wait to celebrate..with everyone , my true friends and beautiful family, the ones that have been there for me through the toughest times of my life

Teddy’s all of a sudden turned into a man child…he’s nearly as tall as Danny I swear!! ( Oi no height jokes about my hubby! 😉  He’s really coming on well…so grown up. But OMG he is a parrot and I have to watch my potty mouth around him! He’s taken to calling a lot of people ‘darlin’ and saying ‘morning gorgeous!’ cracks me up. He understands a lot more now…he knows that Mummy has a sore tummy and he knows I’m on medication and knows not to touch any of it. He understands that Mummy has to go to hospital and asks if I’m going to be okay? My god that breaks my hart when he says that..but I know I am, but I just hate it that he has to ask that.. but of course Mummy’s going to be ok!

I have a scan the end of April…that’s playing on my mind. Again, I know all will be well..but the fear and dread will never leave me.

I know I am making progress. As small as it is I know I’m going forward and not backwards. I’m not losing weight I’ve just remained the same. I still get horrific stomach pain and crippiling cramps…it’s all in the recovery though I believe. I think I just expect to get them everyday and anything less is a bonus! I still have a brilliant appetite..anyone who knows me knows I absolutly LOVE my food..it’s always been a big part of my life. We love cooking and eating out and experimenting with food but have had to adjust now as I have to graze and eat every 2 hours. Ive been told to stick to protein and carbs to possibly gain the weight..so bring on the boiled eggs and bread!!

Thank for everyone’s kind words and being there for me…once again true freinds really shine through in tough times. I feel maybe I have become slightly more bitter in recent times or I just don’t take as much shit as I used too! I’ve never suffered fools ( I get that quality from my Mum and I love it) and I think that if something needs to be said  or if I’m unhappy about something I will voice my opinion. I voice it in the right way, I never intend to hurt peoples feelings but I don’t like to talk behind people’s backs, I’d rather approach them or the sort the situation out. I never used to be like that.. I think its a quality ( and I believe it is a quality not a bad thing) that I’ve gained since becoming  Mum and dealing with the events of the last few years!

Hopefully my next blog will be a very positive one full of weight gain and clear scan results! I am slowly getting that Spring back in my step! Hope you’re all enjoying the Sun xxx

Lotsa Love,

Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxx