Been a while…thought I’d take advantage of these gorgeous summer nights and chill in the garden with a G&T whilst Danny watches more bloody footie! Getting bit bored of it now…novelty has totally worn off..Teddy couldn’t care less either, which I’m glad about!
So I was on Facebook the other day, and the ‘memories’ thing popped up, I just cannot believe that my hen do was 6 years ago and my first operation after Teddy was born to remove the cancer was 4 years ago. I find time quite hard to comprehend nowadays, I don’t know if that’s part of being a Mum too? To think, on my hen do, I had no idea the path my life was going to go down, who knew whilst I was twirling round that pole on my bright pink double decker bus I’d be a Mum and face everything that’s happened. I was a totally different person then I think, I feel now in a lot of ways I have changed for the better but I miss a certain aspect to my personality that I used to have. I was more carefree in a way, oblivious to certain things and I miss that. But I think you change with age, you change when things are thrown in your way to be dealt with and also when becoming a Mum. I call this blog ‘Milestones’ as I finally feel like I have reached one.
If you would have told me how my life would change in a matter of days/weeks/months , I would have never have believed you. Cos things like that don’t happen to normal folk like you and I does it? And that’s what I always used to think. From that moment I called the docs for them to confirm my pregnancy I made a conscious decision to change – to become less selfish for my baby, for my family I was now responsible for getting big and strong. Then being hit hard with the news that I had cancer and would have to terminate the pregnancy at 23 weeks to save my life…all attempts of being responsible and strong went out the window. Inside my head I was in denial…the only was I could describe the feeling was like I was being spun round and round and round on a roundabout not knowing when the hell to jump off. I was lost. We were lost as a family, just absolutely heartbroken, absolutely devastated …there are no words. But then we were given a glimmer of hope ( I won’t go into all the history again as you all know about it) I decided to make decisions, get strong again, fight, we decided to fight as a family. I had been given a choice and that hadn’t happened before. Now was the time to bring feisty Fee back..and she’s stayed to this day.
Back in the earlier days, I heard the word ‘Milestones’ a lot. My intial thought to everyone going on about them was ‘oh bore off!’ cos to be honest , I just didn’t feel myself , so to reach a goal or a turning point in my life seemed like an impossibility. I feel like now I can press on the brakes a bit..allow time for me again. I cannot believe my last scan was 6 months ago…my last hosp appt was 3 months ago, I’m not doubled over in pain, I’m actually living my life. I’m not going through the motions, I’m actually enjoying my life. I’m a better person for it, I’m me again ( apart from that part of me that has long gone as mentioned before). 4 years ago, waking up from my first (unsuccessful) Whipples operation, I got told ‘There is nothing we can do, you can try chemo, you probably have maxiumum 5 years’ No. No fu***** way mate, I’m taking my Teddy to his first day at school, I got memories to make, I got Grandchildren to meet, I got a life to live. And that’s exactly what I’m doing. It’s been quite the challenge getting there..but I’m at the first big milestone, I’m happy. I’m not 100%, but I’ve gained over half a stone since my huge surgery in Germany. That is how much of a struggle it has been…it’s taken me 2 years to gain that weight..that gives you some idea how hard it is. But it’s happenning!
As you have probably seen , I have started my own Instagram page ‘Fees friendly fats’. It’s for people who really struggle with digestion and gaining weight and breaking down fat. I’m so so bored of people and society only concentrating on losing weight. I understand that the majority of the population would prefer to lose weight, but there is a small percentage who desperately need to gain and struggle with doing so. So i have decided to start my Instagram page up and help others. It’s full of easy digestible foods, low fat and tasty! I actually got a message from someone who follows my page saying how helpful its been for her boyfriend who has been diagnosed with the same cancer I had. That meant so so much to me that I have helped somebody out
So..Teddy’s at the age now when he loves playing with others….loves his friends, he’s at a such a brilliant age where we can enjoy days out, he has genuine interests, and has that independence (But obvs still wants his Mumma!).But I suppose I have that natural feeling of wanting another, a sibling for the boy to play with, to not feel so lonely (not that he ever is!). We have a brilliant family and friends circle, he stays at Mum and Dads every other weekend near enough, he loves his Aunties and Uncles and is the most charming and cute ( cheeky)very chatty little boy! He is content..why wouldn’t he be, he’s got the life of bloody riley surrounded by all this love, too right too! But this creeping feeling of guilt consumes me sometimes…will I ever be able to give him a sibling, is it selfish if I don’t? I think about this everyday..it’s a horrible nagging feeling. I’m so so envious of others who don’t have to weigh up the pros and cons because of their health when deciding on expanding their family. I am physically not fit enough right now to have another child..who knows if I ever will be..I am not getting any younger…but I spose I am getting stronger. I am content right now, I love giving all my attention and love to my Ted, he is a very good boy, was always a good baby too. Right now I am happy with my boy, I love how he’s my little partner in crime, my little dude. I’m just not sure if it’s worth risking another pregnancy when we are so lucky to have our Teddy…I mean if it ain’t broke..? The cancer could return, I could become seriously ill…my pregnancy would be extremely high risk. It’s one to think about..I suppose that’s one milestone I’ve not quite reached yet…all in good time 🙂
So I’m going to end it there for now..getting a bit nippy out here and I think Danny has fallen asleep watching the footie (see I told you novelty has worn off!). I have lots more to chat about, my meds that I’m still experimenting with and finding my feet with, still adjusting to the new way of life. But it is life and it’s all mine and I try and make the most of it. Yes I have shit days, I feel tired but not so many days like that anymore. That shelf I was sitting on …looking down from…I’m now looking straight ahead…even daring to look up every now and again. Watch out for the next Milestone…
Weather has been gorge, as you all know I love me a bit of sunshine and have Mums olivey skin tone so love to soak it up (spf 30 obvs!!). It’s amazing how a bit of sunshine can change your mood isn’t it?
Anyways, that’s me for now, enjoy your white bits 😉
Lotsa Love, Fee xxx